When Desire Feels Hard: Building Intimacy Outside the Bedroom

Speaker A: 00:00:03

Welcome to the Connected Pleasure Podcast. I'm Kayla Moore, sacred disruptor and sovereign guide, here to share liberation wisdom for sexual healing and feminine rising.

This is a space to return to your pleasure, your power and your body, while remembering your deep connection to the earth and to each other. Each week we explore what it means to lead with soft power and to weave a world rooted in embodiment, love and connection.

Together, we are holding the frequency of.

Speaker B: 00:00:40

What we want this world to look and feel like as we collectively weave together a new paradigm shift called the Great Turning. Because pleasure is not frivolous, it is foundational and it's time to come home.

Speaker A: 00:01:02

This podcast is for education and inspiration only.

Speaker B: 00:01:06

If you're wanting to explore pleasure more fully for yourself, I invite you to go deeper with me through the offerings linked in the show notes or through the offerings of my guests.

If you're unsure whether one of these containers or a therapeutic approach would best support you, you're welcome to schedule a free 45 minute consultation with me. Together we can explore what path is in your best interest and if I am not the right fit, I'll be glad to connect you with the resources you need.

Welcome back, my loves to the Connected Pleasure Podcast. I'm Kayla, your host. I go by she, her, hers, pronouns and Happy New Moon in Scorpio.

That was yesterday, so I was supposed to have a guest that was going to talk all about music and the pairing of the sacred feminine with her artistry and she unfortunately was a no show. So hopefully we can get her rescheduled. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

So I want to first let you know in the beginning of this episode that I am going to be launching my Not Broken course in January.

This is a course for women who have lost their sexual desire in some shape or form or feel like it is really hard to access it for themselves and they are wanting to reclaim it on their own terms. This course is very similar to my one on one coaching container, but it will be a live course.

There will be recordings available for people that may not be able to make it live to, you know, maybe a few of the sessions, but it is something that you would go through together as a cohort with other women who are wanting to reclaim their sexuality and their intimacy and their desire for themselves as well. So we would be going into that portal again of reclaiming our pleasure, remembering our power and coming home to our bodies.

So it'll be starting in January. I haven't quite put the exact dates to it yet and if you are wanting to be a part of it, you can put your name down on the wait list.

It will be an eight to nine week course, again, similar to my one on one container. They will be live sessions on Zoom. So we will all come together live. There'll be again six teaching sessions and two integration sessions.

And we will be going through the arc of all the different things around sexuality that I think are really important to know. We'll be diving into the history of your own sexuality and what that means for you.

We will be going into stuff around the body and your relationship to your body, stuff around your actual pleasure centers and really knowing your own anatomy.

We'll be talking about communication and consent and boundaries and really understanding how you want to show up in your sexual experiences and how to advocate for yourself in those sexual experiences.

We'll be talking about the differences between desire, there are two different types of desire, and really giving you a, well, a well rounded understanding of pleasure so that you get to claim it for yourself and experience what it means for you to really be in the driver's seat again. So again, it starts in January. If you want to put your name on the wait list, please go do so down below.

This is a beta version for this course, so it will be the lowest energy exchange that it will ever be.

And I really am calling in women that are willing to co create this space with me to give you feedback, to kind of go on this inaugural journey and be the founding members that will really shape what this course looks like for the future. So again, if that resonates with you, go in the show notes and go sign up for the wait list on that.

I am also, I'm changing the name of the spiritual guidance sessions to liberation wisdom sessions. So it fits a little bit more in line with my brand and I think it fits more in line with me and who I am.

So if you are feeling the call to receive deeper clarity, spiritual grounding or support on your soul path, I have a limited number of liberation wisdom sessions available for everyone. Again, these are one on one, one off sessions. These sessions are kind of part of my own priestess training journey.

It'll be a space for you to be held, to be witnessed, and to be guided as you unravel what's no longer yours and root into the truth of who you're becoming.

So again, if that is something that you are looking for in this season, you could go down into the show notes and book your one on one liberation wisdom session. Okay, so today, because I do not have A guest. I decided I'm just coming off the Shed retreat, which was absolutely amazing.

I I don't have enough words to describe how we were feeling by the end of the Shed retreat. I will also plug that. Shauna, my co host and I will be doing a recap session of what happened during the Shed retreat for us.

Obviously not disclosing any information about any of the participants, but just in general, like what the experience was like for us, how we enjoyed it, what we want to continue to do the next time.

fall, but around fall time of: 2026

I'll put the link for Shauna's podcast Life Turned on Down in the show notes. So go over to her podcast and listen to that next week when it drops. So today I wanted to go into a little bit about couples.

I think I mostly focus on the individual in what I talk about because that's typically what I am looking at working with. But on the Shed retreat, a lot of women were either coming out of relationships or are wanting to start new relationships or are in relationships.

And I do work a lot with relationships.

I have created these specific containers for women to have their own space to work on the things that I think are really important for women to grow in and work on for themselves before pairing that with a relationship. And it doesn't mean that you have to like not be in a relationship to work on those things.

But I've worked with so many couples and I really feel like these containers are so helpful for women to step into for themselves and really grow in themselves. We as women have been historically oppressed in our society.

And so even though men have lots of their own stuff that they can work on, I feel like it tends to be the women that have the longest journey to go to get to a place where they feel safe and comfortable with sexuality when it comes to doing couples work.

So it's really helpful, in my opinion, to do some of these one on one containers to work on your own self love, to work on your own relationship to sexuality and intimacy and pleasure. And what does that mean for you before then working on the dynamic in a relationship?

But I wanted to give you a little bit of some wisdom around what it means to be in a partnership as well, because that Is something that I do have a lot of wisdom around. I do work with a lot of couples, and I wanted to make sure that I'm giving a little bit more of that information as well.

So one thing that is really common that I heard on the Shed retreat, that I also hear in some of the clients that I've worked with, is this feeling of, like, sex is only. Sex is like, the only way that intimacy shows up in the relationship.

That for some couples, they feel like the only time that they are actually being physically intimate with each other or even touching each other physically sometimes is in asexual context.

And I hear time and time again from specifically women that this is not super helpful for them to feel good in their own sexuality and to feel like their partner is seen who they are fully as a human being, seeing them for their mind, soul, and body, and not just as a body. And so I wanted to talk a little bit about what does it look like to have intimacy both in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom?

Because intimacy outside of the bedroom is helpful in connecting the partners to each other. So that when we go into the bedroom, there is already. And of course, you can have sex wherever you want.

It doesn't have to just be in the bedroom, but there is already a foundation of love and trust and connection that we don't have to, like, recreate before we get into a sexual space with each other. So I want you to think for a moment. What if you are in a relationship?

What type of intimacy do you have outside of your sexual experiences with your partner? Do you kiss? Do you hug? Do you touch each other as you walk by? Do you snuggle on the couch together or when you're sitting next to each other?

This also brings in emotional intimacy. I think also for a lot of women, we tend to need emotional intimacy. I think everyone needs emotional intimacy.

And men have been taught to get intimacy through physical touch. That that tends to be the number one way that they have probably gotten intimacy in their families, if they did get any intimacy in their families.

Families. And it's taught to them as, like, the one way that they can be close to another person is through sexual touch.

Women, on the other hand, have been told through all the different mediums that sex is not for them.

It is only for the men in terms of, like, what their role is in a relationship, that they are meant to be there to service their partner and to please their partner.

Of course, we all have various degrees of narratives that we have been told throughout our lives, but that's the general narrative in our society still is still, it's pretty conservative. And a lot of people have come from pretty conservative backgrounds, even if they are more liberal in their views now.

And so generally, the people that come to me to work with me are people that have been steeped in these ideals that, you know, sex is not something. Or sex and pleasure, I would say, is not something that women are able to really experience and enjoy and, like, have pleasure in for themselves.

That it tends to be more focused on the male partner.

And so the way that women have been taught to connect is through emotional intimacy, around sharing our emotions, empathizing with other people, and really feeling like you are seen on an emotional, mental and spiritual level.

And that tends to be a precursor that is needed for a lot, again, people, but also especially women before they enter into a physical space with somebody, that it feels like, this is what I need to feel safe before I can enter into a physical space with someone.

And so if we're really lacking in that, then sexual desire tends to be pretty low because if we're not feeling connected to our partners, we tend to not really want to have sex with him. And again, men also need emotional intimacy. They just don't always know how to pinpoint that.

I have personally felt with a lot of the couples that I've worked with that men tend to, like, lump all of their needs into the sexual box because that, again, is the only thing that they have been given as a way to connect with a partner is through sex. And so there may be times where they want emotional connection. They want to feel heard and seen.

They might just, you know, want to snuggle or have some type of physical connection, but it doesn't necessarily have to be sexual.

But they don't know how to ask for that and maybe don't even know that that's available to them because, again, they haven't been taught that that's available.

So I tend to get couples that, like, one partner is really asking for sex, the other partner is really asking for emotional connection, and they both don't feel like their needs are getting met.

So I tend to start with emotional connection because typically, if we solve the emotional connection problem, then usually it's easier to then solve the physical sexual connection as well. And again, both parties need both. So it's like, it's not one or the other. It's like, let's learn to walk first before we run.

And so if we start with an emotional connection, we start with really talking about how are we vulnerable with each Other how do we fully express to my partner, or how do I fully express to my partner what I need, what I want, what my fears are, what my frustrations are? And this doesn't necessarily have to be around sex. It could be about anything. It could be about household chores.

It could be about shuffling kids to and from all their activities.

It could be about the fact that maybe you're in a season of life where everything just feels so chaotic, and it feels like you don't have really any space or room for each other or yourself. And it feels really daunting to try to even make time and space for intimacy and connection.

So really leaning into emotional intimacy, I recommend, you know, taking either daily, taking like 10 minutes out of each day to just have a conversation with each other. And again, I know that even sometimes 10 minutes a day is difficult. I feel that in my own relationship too, at times.

Sometimes we're just like passing each other, trying to divide and conquer what we're getting into, especially with a young child.

And it doesn't always feel like even after we have time and space for each other, we end up going more towards taking care of our own needs because we both just need, like, some quiet time to ourselves to recharge. And oftentimes connection together gets kind of put on the back burner. So I get it.

And having like 10 minutes a day where you can both share, like, what is a high and low for your day?

Some people like to say, like a rose and a thorn, something that you feel proud of yourself for, and then something that you are proud of yourself for or proud of your relationship for. So, like, what is something that the two of you are doing really well? So bringing gratitude into the conversation, I think is really helpful.

You can also do like, so like, high and low of your day, something that you're proud of yourself for, something that you feel like you are specifically working on, and then you can do something that you are really grateful for about your relationship, something that you think the two of you are doing really well in, or if you're in, you know, relationship with multiple people, something that you think your whole unit is doing well on, or, and. Or something that you feel like the two of you could continue to work on as well, or your unit could continue to work on.

So even just having like a small check in, like, that is really helpful. I also tell couples to do like a longer check in. So this is kind of like pick and choose what works best for you.

Some people like a daily check in, other people like more of a lengthy week check in. So like once a week checking in. And I like to have people check in around multiple different areas of life.

So how are you feeling mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and sexually? So those five realms, I think are really important for people to check in on. My husband and I, we don't do it weekly.

It's really pretty much any moment where we have a good chunk of time together where we can actually have a lengthy conversation. That tends to be the first thing that we bring up. Cause usually we haven't checked it in a while.

So it's just like a good way to have a structure around. Yeah. Instead of just like, how are you doing? Or what's on your mind?

It's how are you doing mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and sexually. And then you can bring, you know, anything else into that that you want to. It can be a really good time to again, have maybe harder conversations.

If there's something on your heart or your mind that you wanted to bring up to your partner, it's a really great time to be able to do that as well.

But setting the precedent that that's something that we can do in those spaces so that both people have kind of the awareness that, okay, we're setting a safe container, we're setting a safe space, we're making this something that we actually want to talk about with each other. So I think those are really helpful ways in looking at emotional intimacy and starting to have the conversation.

I will also say, when it comes to like the bridge of having some physical intimacy that is outside of the bedroom, again, really making a concerted effort to have moments of connection outside of a sexual context.

So kissing each other when you leave for the day, come home for the day, hugging each other, it's been shown scientifically that doing like a 20 second hug and even like a 20 second kiss, but I think a 20 second hug, it's. It's amazing the research behind hugs and how uncomfortable a lot of people are with hugging and what that means for them.

And I won't get into all of that, but a 20 second hug is meant to be long enough that it actually bypasses any of those uncomfortable feelings and gets to a place where it feels actually safe and calming for our nervous systems.

So even if that's something that you have to work up to and you incrementally have to increase the amount of time until you can get to a 20 second hug with your partner, that is a really big way to continuously like rewire your nervous system to say this. Is a safe person for me. And this is somebody that I love and trust and that is not just wanting sex from me.

So that's a good tip to use if you are struggling with, like, your body feeling uncomfortable at times with your partner, or feeling a little bit unsafe with your partner, not that like they are doing anything to make you feel unsafe.

Obviously, if there are aspects of your relationship that are making you feel unsafe, like there's abuse happening, there is, like in arguments, if people are throwing insults at each other and, you know, yelling at each other, throwing things at each other, calling each other names, or swearing at each other, those are things that we definitely want to address before intimacy is ever going to feel safe for anyone in that relationship.

But if you just struggle yourself already with physical intimacy, because some people have come from families where they did not really get much physical affection growing up, and their nervous systems actually just feel uncomfortable with it because it wasn't something that was taught to them as normal and safe. And so if that's something that you're struggling with, starting with like a 20 second hug can be really helpful.

Other things you can try, like holding hands when you're out in public or in the car, just little shows of affection can go a long way. Again, in helping you feel like we have some type of physical connection.

We have some type of connection beyond just being platonically okay with each other. A lot of people will say, you know, I just feel like roommates because we don't have this element of intimacy in our relationship anymore.

And so if we're going from that level to wanting to have, you know, mind blowing sex and really pleasurable experiences, those tend to be the areas that I start with to, like, build up to you feeling safe in asexual context with each other. And again, like, a lot of this comes down to vulnerability.

I know that depending on your relationship, if you don't feel like you can fully be vulnerable with your partner, if you don't feel like you can be fully honest with your partner about what you're thinking and feeling, sometimes it's more about that individual just not knowing and not knowing how to communicate that. But sometimes it also is like, I know it, but I feel like if I say this, it's gonna rock the boat too much.

There are a few people on the shed retreat where they were, you know, coming out of a divorce because of those things that they felt like this relationship served really more one person than both people. And they finally had gotten the courage to, like, end the relationship.

And we're trying to figure out what does it look like to move into new relationships for myself where it is more reciprocal, where I get more of a say and have more of a stake at the table. And some, I mean, there's kind of two aspects to that.

One, you want to find somebody that aligns with your values and is going to want the same type of relationship structure that you want. And we also have to be able to advocate for ourselves and hold our boundaries and say, like, this is what I want out of a relationship.

But sometimes, you know, it takes having relationships that don't go well for us to learn those things about what we want. And that maybe at one point in time that was the type of relationship that you thought was okay or what was normal.

And now that maybe you've moved through a relationship like that, now you're deciding that's actually not what I want. Like, I want something that is more reciprocal.

I want someone that cares about me and my feelings and my wants and needs and my pleasure that is here to co create these experiences with me and not just take what they need and not give much in return.

So it's important to have both emotional intimacy as well as some bridging physical intimacy that is not necessarily sexual in its nature, that it is more loving or sensual. You could even do, you know, like massages with either clothes on or clothes off.

I always tell my couples that if there is a time where, you know, somebody is wanting sex, quote, unquote sex, usually people are thinking like intercourse as sex. But one person is like, that's not really something that I want right now. I always say, you definitely don't have to.

If you're like, I really just don't want anything, that's totally fine too. But if there's something else that you would like to offer instead of whatever your partner is asking for that those can be options too.

Like say your partner is like, hey, I want to have sex. And they mean intercourse sex. You could say, I'm not really feeling that right now. And how about we like take a bath together?

How about we take a shower together? How about we lay naked with each other and talk? How about we give each other a massage?

Or, you know, if there is another sexual thing that you would like to do, but you just don't want to go all the way to having intercourse, then it could be like, well, how about we, you know, do mutual masturbation? How about we just give each other oral and see how we do with that?

I think those are important things to have in your toolbox that you can pull out that it's not complete no. And of course a complete no is absolutely okay. I could do another episode on like consent in a relationship and having the precedent that no is okay.

I think that would go a long way in so many relationships of no not being a rejection of somebody in the relationship, but it actually just being a no. Like not right now. That's not something that I'm into right now.

But if it's not a complete no, then having some other things that you could offer instead so that you can still have some type of connected experience with each other, but is not, you know, maybe going to a place that you're like, I just don't have energy for that right now. So I just threw a lot out at you. I hope that is all helpful. Again, these are all things that we can talk about in the Not Broken course.

It is more focused on the individual and you as a woman being able to reclaim sexuality and desire for yourself. And ultimately we end up talking about partners anyway.

I feel like we can't completely separate it from partners if you have one in if that's important to you.

But I think these are really important things for people to know as they are navigating relationships and navigating intimacy and pleasure in their relationships.

I also do have a partner support container, so I do that as like an add on to the not Broken course or to my one on one coaching container that once you go through those transformations then we can do a month long support container for you and your partner to start working on the dynamic together and start like pairing what you've learned in those other containers with your partner and really work on that dynamic. So I do have some partner work available and I don't know let me know if that if this type of work is something that you feel like is more needed.

You can email me. I'll put my email down in the show notes too. If you're like, I really just want some focus with my partner, let me know. I'm.

I'm always open to feedback. I just, I've done therapy for so long and I love couples work.

I just also really feel like these containers are so helpful for women to really, really have their own like little incubation space that you get to go into the cocoon where I get to hold you. And especially in the not Broken course, you get to be held by other women that are going through that experience as well.

And just like at the Shed retreat, being in community and in space with other badass women that are reclaiming their sexuality for themselves and are just being open and vulnerable about their own experiences. There is just nothing like it. There is nothing like it.

And I, I'm so excited to keep doing group experiences like that, whether it's a retreat, whether it's a course, whether it's my singing circle, which I did do on the shed retreat, and it was incredible. So I'm going to be working on one. I can do another one as well. These spaces are just, they're magical.

The amount of support, the amount of like offering suggestions, offering advice, but also just offering space and love and holding of each other and where everyone was at, it's just, it's beyond anything you can, you can express. The frequency that we are all resonating at at the end of that retreat was just beyond. It was just beyond. I was like floating by the end.

I was so tired, but I was also floating by the end.

And both Shauna and I just had tears at the end because we were just so grateful for the courage that all of these women had to just step in fully to this experience, to go all out and to really like come together as a community with each other and love on each other. And it was just, it was a really special experience. So I hope to take that type of dynamic into my not broken course in January.

And even though it will be online, I'm wanting to maybe look at depending on where people are adding an in person component if that's possible because I think people are really wanting to be in person with each other too. And online spaces are great for so many reasons, but I think so many people get so much out of being in person with each other as well. So.

So that's it for today. Next week I think I'm gonna take a week off because it's Thanksgiving here in the States.

Also national day of mourning as we honor all the native people that were killed on, you know, not necessarily that day, but killed in the creation of this country as well. So I also like to honor the memory of that. And so I will be taking the week off and.

But you can go listen to Shauna and my kind of processing around the shed retreat on her podcast. So again, I will link that down below.

I'm not 100 sure when she will put that out, but we will be recording it early next week, so I'm sure she'll have it out at some point next week. After that, I again hope to get some more guests.

If I don't have any guests then I will just keep coming back with some words of wisdom for all of you. Again, if you are interested in Liberation Wisdom sessions, you can go click the link below and schedule that as well. Until next time my loves.

Take care. Foreign.

Speaker A: 00:35:53

Thank you for joining me for this episode of the Connected Pleasure Podcast. If you'd like to stay connected beyond the podcast, I invite you into my newsletter community.

When you sign up, you'll receive my free Sacred Body Workbook, a guide to healing body image and embracing pleasure. Twice a month on the new and full moon, I share stories that flow into my teachings about pleasure practices to support you on your journey.

Energetic journal prompts and invitations to my upcoming events and offers. You'll find the link in the show Notes.

Speaker B: 00:36:29

If you feel moved to support this.

Speaker A: 00:36:31

Podcast, you can also leave me a tip through my website. Your offerings help me keep creating and sharing this work and if this conversation.

Speaker B: 00:36:39

Touched you, please share it with a friend. Comment, follow and leave a rating or.

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Review so that more people can find.

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Their way to this space. Until next time, May you walk with.

Speaker A: 00:36:50

Softness, with love, and with pleasure.